(EDITOR’S NOTE: I waited until I had seen FIVE episodes of Star Trek: Discovery before I wrote this column and just couldn’t take it anymore.) 

I know this page isn’t about movies. But what comic book/fantasy miniatures enthusiast isn’t a fan of Star Trek or Star Wars?

I’m going to take a minute to rant about the new so-called Star Trek: Discovery series on CBS All Access. To quote Courage the Cowardly Dog’s supporting cast, “It’s Garbage. It’s not just Garbage, it’s King Garbage. Of the Garbage Dynasty.”

Take the brooding Sasha (Sonequa Martin-Green) from The Walking Dead and plop her into a Star Fleet uniform. She’s exactly the same character. Angry. Brooding. Defiant.

In other words, she’s everything we know that a good Star Fleet officer ISN’T.

What is it? Definitely not a Klingon.

In the first episode, Green’s character (Michael Burnham) commits mutiny and in the second episode she’s on her way to prison. But wait…the new captain of Discovery has a use for her, and decides to re-introduce her to the crew. In the third (or fourth) episode, she gets into an argument with the ship’s first officer and is relieved of duty. Honestly, in any of the preceeding Star Trek series, she never would have made her way out of the brig after her shenanigans in episode 1.

Give me Jean-Luc Picard or Benjamin Sisko any day. The lead character of this show is a jerk. While Star Trek has always had a political message (environment/racism/unity), this one seems to scream “Defy authority if your message is pure. It’s OK and will be rewarded.” And that’s not the message Star Trek has always sought to present. When was the last time you saw Mr. Spock or Lt. Cmdr. Riker tell Kirk or Picard to take a hike, much less knock them unconscious?

Other problems, which are even more obvious:

1) Vulcans don’t show emotion. Green’s character screams it, and although she is human, she was on Vulcan for years studying and is supposed to behave in a “Vulcan” manner.

2) The new take on Klingons – ummm. I can’t even imagine these guys singing battle songs, let alone telling war stories and patting each other on the back. They’re more like burly Dark Elves from some low fantasy setting. Worf would put his bat’leth in a garage sale if he saw how his predecessors acted. And apparently all the Klingons subsequent to those in Discovery had major plastic surgery, too.

3) Congrats. Star Trek has merged into Star Wars with the special effects here.

4) Michael Burnham’s roommate, the highly annoying and apparently caffeine-addicted Sylvia

Mr. Spock, after watching Star Trek: Discovery.

Tilly. She drops the F-bomb when a new scientific breakthrough is made. “That’s so f***ing cool,” she says, then apologizes. The lieutenant in charge says, “No, it’s OK. It is so f***king cool.” Are you serious? Tilly, with her hyper-energized antics and stereotypical valley girl behavior would never have made it out of Star Fleet Academy. I’m no child and I’m no stranger to swearing, but really, guys? Apparently we need to “dumb everything down,” and Star Trek is no exception. After all, if we’re not cool with profanity, we’re just old fuddy-duddies, right? 

I could go on, but go ahead, check it out for yourself.

Suffice to say that the new Star Trek: Discovery just isn’t Star Trek. Perhaps a good sci-fi show on its own, but my hope is that it dies a quick death like Star Trek: Enterprise.

Even Scott Bakula played a more likable character than Michael Burnham.

(UPDATE: After finishing my thoughts here, I learned that they’ve renewed this train wreck for Season 2. Sigh.)